They Saw Me (Poem)

They saw me for who I was, kind. 

They loved me with every ounce of their being. 

Nonconforming and non-judgemental. Because it was

them who saw my light in the darkness. 

It was them. 

They saw me for how I love, unconditionally.

I loved them for being open and honest.

They were trusting enough to let me in, nonfiction. Every chance

I get to prove to them, that I love them and cherish 

every minute with them. 

They saw me emotional, broken.

They loved me while I fixed these pieces of myself, nontoxic.

I pushed and tried to run, but they loved me through it.

It was them. 

they saw me, for the person I am, and they loved me.

They Saw Me. 

Manifestation Part 2- Story Time

I had been single for over a year, not even dating anymore. I was tired of meeting men who didn't want relationships. So I decided to just take a long break. I was convinced that maybe I was meant to be alone. 

I started reflecting on myself and focusing on self-care, and self-love practices. 

Then the Pandemic hit, and I became more intuned with my needs and wants. 

After having a conversation with my daughter, about relationships, she told me I might be Pansexual. Like what? Me? hmmm...

It made me think about growing up and thinking about me dating someone of different sex. My mother asked me if I would ever date a trans man, Me telling her if he was nice, sweet, and treated me well. I was always attracted to people's energy, regardless of what they identified as. maybe I was restricting myself to one gender.  💗💜

I looked at my manifestation and realized one major thing in this list: I never specified a gender!  Nowhere did I ever say "He".. it was a nonbinary list. It could be anyone I prayed for. Why was I looking for a man this whole damn time!!?? 👀

  In the summer of 2020, a good friend, and fellow sorority sister had a birthday dinner. 

We had a lovely time with her friends, socially distanced, and when we were about to leave, I randomly had this thought in my head to ask this woman that was at her dinner if she was single. 

Honestly, I was shocked myself that I did that. I had never had the lady balls to do such a thing. I solely intended to just go out with her a few times. She texted me a few times and planned a date.

On our first date, I felt very comfortable, and she knew this was my first time dating a woman. she seemed comfortable and patient with me. 

We got along well and started exclusively dating a few weeks after that. Dating another woman was a very easy transition for me. However, we often would argue about my sexuality. She made me feel like my sexuality wasn't compatible with hers. She would tell me things like, "If you are dating me, that makes you a lesbian." But I felt differently. I felt that I was being put in a box, and that isn't where I wanted to be. 

On top of all of this, I was made to feel incompetent in other areas of our relationship. 

If you know what I mean...

I liked her and cared about her. But I was not comfortable. I was not uncomfortable dating and being with another woman, but uncomfortable with this specific person and how she was as a person. Controlling, and partook in too much alcohol, and smoking for my liking. Personally, I never smoked, rarely drank, and I had a series of toxic relationships where my partner excessively drank and created problems with me. 

No one close to me really liked her for me either. 

I knew she was not the person I manifested, but I knew if I did not leave soon, I would get in too deep and it would be harder for me to leave. 

A silly "Girl Crush"- (Poem)

Girl Crush

 I thought it was a silly girl crush. Everyone has those, right?

How did I know I was actually attracted to her?

Her style was impeccable,

She walked with a purpose. 

She was smart, eloquent, 

I just thought she was cute, right?

I only really thought of her when I saw her.

I didn't stalk her Facebook page, 

I didn't scroll through her pictures. 

Things I normally did when I liked a guy

But this was just a girl crush, right?

I had dated only men since I was old enough to date

I have never dated another woman, so 

this was just a silly girl crush, right?

Manifestion- Story Time

 In the summer of 2018, I spoke to someone I will call 'My guide". I told her I was unlucky in love and wanted to pray and manifest true love. Love I thought was going to come from a cis male. 

She gave me a series of things I needed to do to prepare for this task. 

Alongside this, I also had to make a lost of things I wanted in my partner.  So I went right to work. 

 So about a year and a half had passed and I still hadn’t found this loved I was looking for. No one, I dated checked off everything on this list, they were always missing KEY components to what I wanted. Where was my dream man!!??

Fast forward a few months to December 2019, again at my chapter meeting, I had to ask her to post something on our website for my committee. This was my chance to try to talk to her. 

Mind you since 2012, I have not been able to muster to courage to speak to her, like AT ALL. I always avoided her, turned the other way anything to avoid eye so she wouldn’t ever catch me looking her way. Because I never thought I was attracted to her, she was just a silly “girl crush”

How? How do I ask her casually to do something for me and hopefully spark a conversation? 

In my VIRGO logic, because I had to email her these documents to post, I was thinking I need to email her on some casual platform. Guys, I had this woman’s phone number and email on my sorority’s directory (smh). But in my head I was thinking, I will send her a message on Facebook and ask for her email and make conversation and get to know her and see if she is even a wlw (woman-loving-woman) ! I had a plan and it was perfectly executed, so I thought...

Nine days passed before she responded!! Like, damn... By this point, I had already emailed her my documents to post to the website (because of her information I had) so my plan crumbled. Ughhhh

After she finally responded, I had lost my courage and did not try to talk to her much after that. 

The Beginning/intro to my blog

 I want to create a platform where people can see poems and love letters for their partners. This is called "Poems for Her", because my partner is a woman, and I essentially want to write love letters to her, but I want to create a safe place for members of the LGBTQ+ community to find an outlet to comment on stories and letters to same-sex love. 

She is the love I've manifested and prayed for. She is the light I have been yearning to brighten my life. She is who I imagined spending the rest of my life with, and for the past eight years she was right in front of me and I had no clue it was her. 

When I transferred chapters in my sorority, she was there, I remember seeing her and thinking she was pretty. 

Always catching glimpses of her at chapter meetings. But I only dated men and never thought I was attracted to women, I just thought I found women pretty. 

2012. 2012, was the first time I saw her. It was the first time I sought her out at activities, and events, and meetings my sorority had. 

Eight years. Eight years, my ancestors had presented the person that I was created for, and my eyes were blinded to the love that I have longed for.